I have read and agree to all the terms and conditions.

I think what happened was this:

She took it too seriously,

and he was already with them.

Now, understand that half of them don't have the courage,

and I've still yet to figure out the other half,

though, I believe they shut others' emotions out

so that they won't have to come to terms with their own.

He did things to her that he would never let her do to him

because that's the kind of person he is,

and I don't know if you describe that as selfish,

rude,

or oblivious.

The first half kept driving,

because that kind of rush gives them a sense of security.

The lies of the past crumple under their tires

and while the sound is sweet to Karma,

it brings tears to their eyes.

The second half got offended,

because they have always been there,

and "This is a mess.

It's fine.

I'm over it."

but they don't really understand

all the terms and conditions of

"being there".

They just pressed the box

so that the little check mark came up

because that's what everyone does,

because that's what our society is made out of.

I don't think you can get mad at them for that,

even if it did set a crack in your heart.

She got frustrated.

Her old wounds bled,

and she wondered if they would ever stop.

But she doesn't even know that the first half all slit their wrists.

I guess you could say that their cuts bleed by choice,

but I remember the haze in their eyes

that allows them to mistake blood for coffee:

the only thing that'll keep them alive and awake.

He sits at his counter,

reading the paper and mumbling the facts

because "the facts" are what keep him strong,

but he's never stopped to ask if "the facts"
are really just tradition.

Believe me, they have already asked that question,

but may be too greedy to share the answer.

Now, I wonder if they do this all intentionally,

or if their daydreams are just much more relevant

than reality.

If I didn't answer my phone for the next week,

if I never sent out another text,

if my snapchats remained unopened,

which one of them would begin to wonder?

In my mind,

it all seems justified,

however, my body can't help but point out

that this is all so juvenile.

I think my heart would be a lot of help

if it hadn't shut down long ago,

leaving my soul to hang out the clothes to dry.

12:48 pm

Truth is, I'm feeling really inadequate. If I wasn't prepared for this, then what were the last 18 years really for?

I graduated high school about a month ago, but I'm still trying to figure out where I "fit in". This time I'm not dealing with bad hair boys and false senses of security.

I know "no one said it was easy," and I agree with that. But they didn't say it'd be like this either. They didn't tell us anything. They just threw us off the plane, and how we have to figure out how to work the parachute.

#angst

#thisisnolongerafeeling

#itsapersonification

tuesday thinkings

I think we judge the act too harshly,
without thinking of the motives.

black and blue

I'm beginning to understand that,
instead of muscle and bone,
our bodies are made up of
scars and bruises
and sometimes,
if we've been really hurt,
they rise up to the surface
Maybe that's why they call it
"having a tough skin".

I think this could also be
a discovery;
meaning our worst injuries
can't always bee seen.

The real reason pink is one of my favorite colors.

Dear Addilyn-

You've always been the red apple in my life, a symbol of innocence. It's an understatement to say that I felt like I was suffocating when I realized that you turned six in March.

Six years old.

Because, truth is, I remember when I was six.

I remember starting the first grade. I remember playing in the fountains. I remember Harry Potter and ballet slippers. I remember 8 o'clock bedtimes and plain t shirts. I remember it all.

And I see so much of me in you, and I should be swelling with pride at that. I should be proud of the the influence I might have had on you. The fact that you don't smile with your teeth...I did that, too. The fact that you think your sass runs the world...me to a tee. And even though your eyes are brown and mine are green, you even kind of look like me.

Truth is, my baby Addi, I'm so worried for you.

You have no idea what this world has in store for you. You can't understand the damage you can do to yourself. You don't know the trials that will hit you like the sea, thinking you're just a measly rock it can erode away. You just don't get it. And I don't want you to. I want to hold you so close, you can't even imagine not loving yourself. I want to lock you away in the cupboard with endless dolls and Disney movies, so the deepest hurt you know is those displayed through cartoons. I want to find you at 14, still playing with your American Girl Dolls and tea sets, because you don't realize the world is telling you no. I want you to still be happy with seventh place at your swim meet, purely because the ribbon is pink. I don't want you to understand that there were eight people in your race, and you finished seventh. I just want to see the way your eyes light up when the gloss of the pink catches the sun, and the look on your face when you realize the ribbon matches your room. I still want pink to be your favorite color.

Addi, part of me feels like I failed because I can't give this to you.

I know, I know, it's silly. Not even the biggest, baddest Mama Bear can protect her cubs from the real world. That's why I hate this "growing up" thing so much. Addi, I'm so so sorry.

Baby girl, there are so many things I wish I could teach you. I wish I could pick apart my brain, just to find the important parts, and give them to you. I wish I could make you realize that eventually high school will end. I wish I could teach you that your eyes are too big to be hardened by mascara. I want to make you see that eating is so much more worth it than being America's Next Top Model. I mean, have you ever had a burrito from Beto's before? Addi, I want you to know that life will get darker, and black will take on a new meaning for you, but there will always, always be a little pink. Chase after the pink. I wish I was a better example of that.

I want you to know that you're worth so much more than you can imagine, even if you're imagining it on your good days. The worth of your spirit does not lessen with the bad decisions you make, but I want you to understand that your choices have consequences that affect so many more people than just you. But don't let that scare you. If you were me, you'd let that scare you. You'd shut down, so you could stop making decisions that include other people. And when you realized that shutting down was just another one of those decisions, you'd shut down more, and more, until you couldn't tell your own soul apart from a stone.

Please don't forget who you are.

I know it sounds cliche and oh-so-very-Mormon, but I mean it. YOU are Addilyn Kay, and YOU are the granddaughter of Greg and Susan, and YOU are the big sister to Mabel and Aidan, and YOU are more than you'll ever know. Please, please, just try to fathom it.

Please know that when your best friend is mean to you, you have so much to be happy about. Please realize that when you're mom is yelling at you, she still loves you more than even she understands. Please remember that when you're questioning God, and everything else in this world, and you really don't think there's anymore pink, you still have so much more life to live. I'm not going to tell you that happiness is a choice, Addi. I've heard that too much. So much, that it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong when I'm not happy. It makes me feel even worse when I just can't break my face into a smile, like I'm broken down with no repair shop in sight. "There must be something wrong with me, I'm incapable of making decisions," I concluded. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be mad. It's okay to be frustrated and scared and angry and depressed and all those other things. It's all okay, just don't let it run your life. Don't let it pull you away from reality. Keep a steady head. Remember everyone who will listen to you. Remember those who will pull you back up every time. Remember me.

And maybe I shouldn't be too worried about you turning out like me. I mean, you already know how to swim, that's way farther than I got. I have so much faith in you Addilyn Kay.

I cried when you called Grandma tonight, saying that you finally got second place. You got a red ribbon. You had your fastest freestyle time. I cried because we both know red isn't half as pretty as pink.

Love,
Aunt Baylee

9:24 pm

for only being 6 letters,
regret fills me like an ocean,
and it meets the beautiful skyline
of hopelessness.

FACTS, YO.

• I've always hated the way I draw flowers
• My interest lately has been in numerology (look it up) and I literally spent all of Sunday night with Sarah calculating our friend's numbers. (I'm a 6.)
• Summer has always been exciting, because it's a break. But this time it's a beginning, and I can't see the end
• ^the above scares the hell out of me
• Sia's song Chandelier is my anthem currently and I've never had alcohol
• I'm really glad I'm no one's room mate so no one will judge me by my Facebook account
• YEAH I STILL REALLY REALLY REALLY LOVE HARRY POTTER
• I don't know why I'm posting this
• Do we ever really know why we post the things we post?
• I hung out with Sarah and Collin on Monday night and we all laughed about our "high school days" and it was all kinda a joke, but then it was kinda weird
• I figure the more tan I am, the less I have to shave my legs
• ^the above is a PROVEN FACT like I'm a golden beauty right now, and you can't even see my stubble on my legs
• I only cried about him on Saturday
• ^(so Saturday wasn't the first time I cried about him, but it was the first since he left)
• My dinner has consisted of granola bars and cheese and a root beer float
• I'm allergic to cats
• I have a cat
• Her name is Tiger
• Pinterest mostly just makes me uncomfortable
• My dad follows me on twitter OKAY DADS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO HAVE TWITTERS
• I had to Google what ocean separates North America from Europe
• The thing is, I don't feel any different now that I'm graduated