my rant on music/life in general

"You've probably never heard of them."
Okay, cool. Introduce me to them, then. What's wrong with us liking the same music? Why is one band or genre of music specifically yours and "Thank God I don't have to share it with the whole world because that'd be just..."?

I get it. You can really empathize with this song, and it feels like yours. It's a little alarming when you find out that other people feel it the same way you do, and you don't want them to. (I recently went through this feeling pattern with the song I Wanna Get Better by Bleachers. Then I came to this realization:) It's really stupid to get your self worth from how many "underground artists" you know. It's kinda ridiculous to be pretentious about your music taste. And, I really don't care if you "found them first". Do you realize that music is what these artists are trying to do for a living? Don't you want them to keep making good music? Don't you want them to get paid? Yes? Alright, then share their music. I'm sure they'd love that more than anything, honestly.

You know, it's okay to like mainstream music. There-I'm saying it. YOU CAN LIKE MAINSTREAM MUSIC AND STILL BE A HUMAN BEING. It's not like you're some kind of animal if you're shut up in your room listening to Katy Perry. You don't have to be ashamed because lots of people know your favorite band because "Ugh, they're so mainstream."

Yes, I think some of today's music sucks. I don't like listening to certain radio stations because the music doesn't mean anything to me. Personally, I take it as a "hate the song, don't hate the mainstream" kinda thing, if that makes sense. Hey, guess what? My favorite band is Fun. Yeah, Fun. The guys that sing Some Nights, and We Are Young, but...wait a second. THOSE SONGS ARE SO MAINSTREAM. OMG. CALL 911. SHE LIKES MUSIC THAT OTHER PEOPLE LIKE AND THAT'S PLAYED ON THE RADIO AND IS MAINSTREAM AND OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG NOOOOO. Okay. I still like them no matter what songs they play on the radio. Because I like them for them. For their music. For their lyrics. For the feeling I get when I listen to them. It has nothing to do with their image, I like them for them.

I think that relates back to people, too.

My favorite band is Fun.
And the Beatles, I like them a ton, too.
And I listen to Beyonce.
And I listen to Paloma Faith.
And I really, really like Bleachers right now.
Queen is always a good option.
Terri Clark is cathartic in an alternate universe sort of way.
American Pie by Don McLean is my all time favorite song.
The Avett Brothers...so good.
I listen to Panic! At the Disco.
And I listen to Elton John.
Some days, Keith Urban is just really my jam.
Simon & Garfunkel, though, am I right, or am I right?
Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. I still don't understand why.
I listen to Creedence Clearwater Revival.
And I listen to Walk of The Earth.
And you might have heard of these people, and you might have not, but you should go listen to them.

And I can't wait until we (or me, still deciding what I really mean here) get over this whole solitary thing, because I think if we try to just really genuinely care about everyone then we really genuinely care about ourselves, too. And genuinely caring about yourself is a rare and a beautiful journey.

That girl in the airport has really bad anxiety around people she doesn't know (and even sometimes those she does know, even sometimes her best friends) because she feels like she constantly has to be an expectation, and the airport just made it go haywire and she's really really nervous about flying alone and she wants nothing more than to quite literally die in this very moment, and it's not because she's dramatic, it's because she's being honest with herself, a skill she's mastered through the years and it's a scary and breathtaking talent of hers. So please, please don't yell at her next time, because she already knows she's not doing life right.

And, being honest, I'm really hurting because she's really hurting and I get it and I get that there's nothing I can do and that really hurts. But I think it's a really cool thing that somewhere in this world, maybe someone actually cares and wants to be there for me, even if they're 1900 miles away, and even if they can't make the pain go away, and I still don't know if this is a lie, but it still makes me want to push harder and harder.

And this all made sense to me, and ties in with each other, so I hope it did with you, too.

Reckless Love/Strange Desire YOU SHOULD REALLY LISTEN TO IT, K?!

"So give me a chance to remember
                                        what I've given up to defend you
                                         I would burn my dreams away just to stand in the thankless shadows
                                         of your reckless love...



Get out.
Stand back.
If you don't let go,
you're gonna break me.

Get out.
Stand back.
If you don't let go,
you're gonna break me.

Get out.
Stand back.
If you don't let go,
you're gonna break me.

Get out.
Stand back.
If you don't let go,
you're gonna break me...

I burned my dreams away to stand the broken shadows

of your reckless love

your thankless love

your restless love

a thankless love

your reckless love's

a thankless love..."

--Reckless Love: Bleachers

click here to listen to Strange Desire because it's really really really really good.

and I want to walk to Denver

JUST TO GO TO THEIR FREAKIN' CONCERT.

July 19, 2014 (the letter i never sent)

Hey you,

Have I ever told you how much I hate war movies? My heart hurts too much. I know it's stupid, but I even feel for the bad guys. For example, I watched The Monument Men tonight (Have your seen it? The whole time I was watching, I thought of how much you'd like it) and they had some German soldiers as prisoners to get information from them, and I just wanted to cry. Seriously. I just couldn't stop thinking about how the German soldiers had families, too, and how they probably had to miss seeing their kids wake up Christmas morning (Christmas makes me cry too, but maybe you already knew that...) just like the American soldiers had to. And it breaks my heart to think of their wives and mothers. I just get too emotional in war movies, and I know it's cliche but I honestly just hate war. It's so terrible. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for our military, I just wish we didn't have to have one.

When I watch war movies, I can't help but think about everything I hate about this world. I think about how kids get shot at school. I think about how common sexual abuse is. I think about when people get their choices taken away. I think about kidnap. I think about people who slowly and unintentionally ruin their lives with substance abuse. I think about people who do anything and everything to fit in. I think about people living in poverty. I think about parents who have to bury their child. I just can't not think about it.

Maybe it's me. Maybe it's just anxiety, whatever that means (amiright?) but it just makes me physically sick. You ready for my latest big screw up? A few nights ago I was talking to her, and she told me about her anxiety. She told me about all the things that could happen if she left her house. She's genuinely scared. You know what I did? I got mad at her. I stumbled over my words while trying to offer flimsy comfort, and when she expressed herself, I got upset. "I'm just trying to help you!" I exclaimed. You wanna know the truth? I'm not mad at her at all. I'm mad at the situation. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know exactly how it feels, and I know that it's all dark and no light and the path is rocky. And, I'm a little upset that God doesn't understand that I would go through it a hundred times over before she had to experience it once. I don't want her to feel this.

So just add war movies to the list of things I won't watch. Horror films, and war movies. Although, I did tell you once that I would watch a horror film if you held me and let me know when to close my eyes. The same holds true with war movies.

I love you. I miss you so much. I can't think about you without my throat tightening and my heart hurting. I need you here. I know that you're only fighting your personal battles, but when I saw those soldiers fighting in the movie tonight, I couldn't help but think of you.

I love you so much. I miss you terribly. I want you home. Please understand how much you mean to me.

All the love in the world and more,
Baylee

My knees felt hollow, so I let them hit the wood floor, satisfaction shooting straight to my heart. They had been craving the familiarity and I guess that describes my life right now. Once my eyes closed a battle ensued in my head, and my heart finally won. I let out a sigh, and the spaces between my ribs became a little smaller.

I know I say sorry a lot for little things, but I think it's because I want you to know I mean it for the big things, even when I can't say it out loud. I sang the lyrics of my heart, and I wasn't surprised at who came up with most, and I really want surprised at the ache that held my throat.

Glendale at 11:13

I don't know if it's me,
but the stars seem to be worth less,
and while my possibilities are endless
I'm frozen in the ground
looking up.

things to be grateful for

• High school is over
• Diet coke is only $1 at McDonald's
• Mom is forwarding you that letter
• You're thinking about him and he's thinking about you
• I just can't convince myself that this is all over...
• ^ I don't think that's so bad...

The rant I actually posted.

Sometimes, I think life is a ditch. A dark ditch, and face it, you're afraid of the dark. Now, the only way out is up, but it takes you forever to figure that out. You dig everywhere. To the left, the right, sometimes you even dig the ditch deeper. You can never get out. Once you finally realize that you need to go up, you try climbing. There's no footholds, so you keep dropping. Sometimes you think you get up, you can even see the light, but you just slink back down again, slowly or quickly, it doesn't matter, because you will end up at the bottom. You're stuck there, until one day God's own hand comes to lift you up. But then it's too late, you're finally with God. And I don't know which is better.

I wish there was something else I could write about. I wish that I could stop thinking like this. I know that no one really cares to read stuff like this over

and over

and over

and over

and over...

but I'm sorry, it's all I feel. It's all I see. It's getting really frustrating.

Right now, my niece and my nephew are "falling asleep" watching Peter Pan, and it's all just too big of a metaphor.

This is stupid. I'm sorry, this is all just so stupid. I don't know what it is, but whatever it is, it's stupid.

I know, this is annoying to read. I know, because it's even more annoying to write. But it's simply all I can think of.

I'm never hungry anymore. I literally force myself to eat and then say "Oh gosh, I was just so hungry," to justify it. I'm literally lying to myself.




So this is my rant. Call it a "plea for attention", but I'm simply calling it "survival",