Hey you,
Have I ever told you how much I hate war movies? My heart hurts too much. I know it's stupid, but I even feel for the bad guys. For example, I watched The Monument Men tonight (Have your seen it? The whole time I was watching, I thought of how much you'd like it) and they had some German soldiers as prisoners to get information from them, and I just wanted to cry. Seriously. I just couldn't stop thinking about how the German soldiers had families, too, and how they probably had to miss seeing their kids wake up Christmas morning (Christmas makes me cry too, but maybe you already knew that...) just like the American soldiers had to. And it breaks my heart to think of their wives and mothers. I just get too emotional in war movies, and I know it's cliche but I honestly just hate war. It's so terrible. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for our military, I just wish we didn't have to have one.
When I watch war movies, I can't help but think about everything I hate about this world. I think about how kids get shot at school. I think about how common sexual abuse is. I think about when people get their choices taken away. I think about kidnap. I think about people who slowly and unintentionally ruin their lives with substance abuse. I think about people who do anything and everything to fit in. I think about people living in poverty. I think about parents who have to bury their child. I just can't not think about it.
Maybe it's me. Maybe it's just anxiety, whatever that means (amiright?) but it just makes me physically sick. You ready for my latest big screw up? A few nights ago I was talking to her, and she told me about her anxiety. She told me about all the things that could happen if she left her house. She's genuinely scared. You know what I did? I got mad at her. I stumbled over my words while trying to offer flimsy comfort, and when she expressed herself, I got upset. "I'm just trying to help you!" I exclaimed. You wanna know the truth? I'm not mad at her at all. I'm mad at the situation. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know exactly how it feels, and I know that it's all dark and no light and the path is rocky. And, I'm a little upset that God doesn't understand that I would go through it a hundred times over before she had to experience it once. I don't want her to feel this.
So just add war movies to the list of things I won't watch. Horror films, and war movies. Although, I did tell you once that I would watch a horror film if you held me and let me know when to close my eyes. The same holds true with war movies.
I love you. I miss you so much. I can't think about you without my throat tightening and my heart hurting. I need you here. I know that you're only fighting your personal battles, but when I saw those soldiers fighting in the movie tonight, I couldn't help but think of you.
I love you so much. I miss you terribly. I want you home. Please understand how much you mean to me.
All the love in the world and more,
Baylee
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