7/seven

This is the seventh poem I've written about you.
They say that seven is a magical  number
that because it's 3+4 it has all this hidden meaning
and that authors purposely use it for symbolic reasons.
To me it just means that this is the seventh time I've been too weak to say no.

I've heard things like
"the person you are mad at the most is the person you care about most"
and I'm always like "lol no!"
because it's hard for me to admit that I really do care about you.
Scratch that,
I'll openly admit that I cared about you
but never would I say I still do.

I don't know how you  keep sucking me in
because you've given me more than enough reasons to stay out
and I don't think I love you, but I do think it's time for honest hour.

Honestly, it kills me that you still haven't taken me to a dance.
Honestly, I hate that Harry Potter isn't your second religion,
because we'd have so much fun if it were.
Honestly, I will never get tired of you knocking on my door,
instead of just texting "here".
Honestly, you are the perfect image of everything that destroys me.
Honestly, I hate you.
Honestly, everything about you makes me cringe.
Honestly, I still picture us in a relationship.
Honestly, I love you.
Honestly, it took so much courage to write that.
IloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyou
but not in the Disney Princess and Prince kind of way
in the casual sandals and tea kind of way.
Honestly, I hate when you're honest with me.
I hate knowing all your secrets,
and I hate when you don't tell me your secrets.
Honestly, I just want to you to be everything I need you to be, and
honestly, I know that you're not even close.
Honestly, I always hope that two years will change you.
Honestly, your parents are the nicest/scariest people I have ever met.

but wait, there's more...
Honestly, I'm so confused about my feelings for him.
Honestly, I threw up a little when I thought I wanted him to kiss me.
Honestly, I hate what you've become,
but I wonder if I really just hate what I've become.
Honestly, I just want you to hold me and listen to me,
and be invested in my life
and have you heard that stupid thing that says
"If the crush lasts longer than four months it's love"?
Honestly, I've had a crush on you for five years.

It's hard to accept that I don't actually know you,
I live on what I want you to be.
Honestly, I'm so done with you and can't wait til you're gone.
Honestly, I've thought about deleting your number off my phone,
but then I remember that I have it memorized.