REAL real talk

My favorite word is "apropos"

and it all seemed very apropos to call you tonight.

To let you know that 2 years is a long time,

and once you leave,

I'll probably never see you again.

And it also seemed very apropos to text you after,

asking if and how I can write you.

I made an ice cream sundae tonight,

cause I can,

and I think I finally understand the meaning of "real talk".

Real talk is when your best friend cuddles with the boy you used to like,

and she's too scared to admit it.

She tells you anyway and you both spend weeks laughing about it.

Real talk is sitting in the sunset with your parents,

and finding out your dad's greatest ambition is to become a scholar.

Real talk is leaving a comment on a cute boy's blog,

then going back to reread it and realizing you sound like a fool.

Real talk is listening to your neighbors play in your backyard,

and remembering when you were there, too.

Real talk is singing Penny Lane while you're doing the dishes,

and real talk is sleeping in a t shirt with no pants on.

Real talk is real life, and I'm ready to enjoy every minute of it.

real talk or something of the sorts.

I'm so scared to write all this because it's not a secret that I'm easily one of the most awkward human beings alive.  Also, I type too fast to find mistakes and make sure everything makes sense. But...here it goes.

Yo! What's up? Hello everyone, I'm Baylee. Hey guys. I'm Baylee Dodge, but on twitter my name is (bae)lee dodge, so you know...

I've never actually taken Creative Writing, I've just simultaneously lived through everyone that does with my two blogs (Penelope Jude, first semester. I stopped Penelope because I had to make a promise to myself to stop looking back and regretting things, therefore no U turn was born) so, thanks, I guess for letting me live through you guys.

I was born August 27, 1996. August 27 seems like such the perfect date to me. I love the summer time. More than anything. The bottoms of my toes are blistered from my lack of shoes, and Sarah thinks it's gross and Jaxson literally exclaimed "Ew! What's wrong with your feet?! Make them better!" when he first saw them.

I still haven't had my first kiss, and I graduate in like a week. I'm going to be the only person in college who hasn't kissed anyone. I always say it's because no boys I knew in high school were worth it, but it's really because the boy I really liked had a girlfriend, and I felt guilty trying to make a move with him, so I just never tried with anyone else, either. I would say it's something I regret (I'm not very good at this whole "no looking back" thing I promised myself), I feel like I should of just kissed someone for the fun of it, but then at the same time I'm kinda glad that I didn't waste my first kiss on someone random. I don't know what I want, my mom said that lots of people don't get their first kisses in high school, but she got proposed to at her senior prom, so she can't talk. (She divorced the dude, by the way.) I went to senior prom with my best friend, and we were going to do this gag were he proposed to me in front of my mom, to make her freak out, but then he didn't do it. And my parents want me to marry him anyway, so it wouldn't have worked. I don't want to marry him (Sorry Collin, except not really.)

I love to read. I love to read Harry Potter. I love Harry Potter. No shame.
I promise I read other books besides Harry Potter, though.

I made this playlist on Spotify called "idk lolz" and it's all I've been listening to for the past 6 days. It includes:
Bennie and the Jets, Get Off of My Cloud, I Wanna Do It All, Shadow, You And I, I Wanna Get Better, We Are Golden, Why'd You Only Call Me When You're High, Killer Queen and others. Go check it out.

I know you're technically not supposed to have a favorite song of all time, but mine is American Pie by Don McLean, because my brother used to play it on his guitar on Saturday mornings. He isn't a very gifted singer, but I didn't care. I know every.single.word.to.that.eight.minute.song. No shame. Now he's married with a baby, and I asked him if he'd play it again. He said he had forgotten, and it basically was like my childhood shattered right then and there.

I should have talked to more people in high school. I hope I don't come off snooty, I'm just really afraid to put myself out there. But once I get to know you I anything but shy.

I'm weigh more than 85% of the girls in my grade. Wuuuut no shame. (Actually, this fluxuates. Somedays I'm all: I'M SO BEAUTIFUL LOOK HOW HOT I LOOK IN THESE JEANS MY BOOTY AMAZING and others I'm like: Damn, I'm fat.)

Favorite love songs that would make me fall in love with any boy who sang them to me, even if he can't sing worth crap:

Run Away With Me (from the Unauthorized Biography of Samantha Brown)
Your Song (Elton John)
The Gambler (Fun.)
Shadow (Bleachers)
Oh, It Is Love (Hellogoodbye)
Light a Roman Candle (Fun.)
Don't You (Darren Criss)
If It's the Beaches (The Avett Brothers)

Whoa, this post got really long all the sudden.

Two things I say way too much: "You win some, you lose some." and "No shame."

I love my friends, I love my family.

I really love my family.

Being an aunt was the most amazing thing to ever happen to me. I've got four nieces (Addi, Kollins, Mabel, and Avary) and one nephew (Aidan) and if I love them this much, I can't imagine how much I'll love my own children.

I'm so afraid that I'll never get married, slash that I'll never get a good job. Also that I won't be able to get pregnant. My mom told me it was silly to worry about getting married now, so let me clarify: I'm not looking to get married at this exact moment, but I am worried that there's a reason God made me love cats so much.

I love cats. Not in the trendy cat fad that's going on right now, I genuinely love cats. I got made fun of in elementary school for saying cats were cooler than dogs (lol) and I have a cat who is 17 years old. (Cats are supposed to die at 13) She's superwoman-cat-thing.

Canker sores are the most obnoxious things ever.

I love listening to people talk about themselves, just so I can learn about them. I love people watching.

I love driving and singing/screaming at the top of my lungs. And when I say I love driving, I actually mean I love being in the car. Driving itself gives me anxiety, which is why I still don't have a driver's license.

Alright, I'll be done now. Oh, one last thing. Thanks everyone for being so dang inspirational. Really, I mean it.

I Wanna Do It All

Flying with you felt weightless

and I wanna do it again.

In fact, I wanna do it all.

I wanna stay up all night going from store to store

spending too much money,

but it's worth the laughs.

I wanna go on a vacation to raise some hell.

Do a few things I couldn't tell my mother about,

and take a ton of pictures that I won't post on Facebook.

(oh gosh, no, not cause they're inappropriate

just because they're mine.)

I'll print them on photo paper

and keep them behind my dresser

with my writing journal from 10th grade.

I want it all.

I want to smile for no apparent reason,

because I've got all the reasons in the world.

I want to cry for three days straight about some stupid boy,

and then I want to find another one.

I want someone who would bring me the beaches.

I'm going to get a few where I need to prove why I deserve it,

but in the end I'll rock my babies with someone who knows it more than I do.

I want to experience everything,

for the stories,

for the lessons,

for the memories.

because tomorrow, today will be just another memory.

I want to visit Greece.

I want to get pulled over (kinda).

I want to read a gossip magazine,

and I want to read one of those self help books.

I want to stand up for my beliefs,

because I want to experience the journey of finding them.

I want to write a poem on the beach,

one stupid one,

and one for the boy that'll never read it.

I want to kiss someone just once,

and then I want a million kisses from someone who deserves a billion.

I want to draw something I'm proud of,

and I want my nieces and nephews to admire me

for what I've been through,

and when they're too young to understand what I've been through,

I want them to admire who I am.

For once in my life,

I actually want something.

I actually think that doing something might be worthwhile.

And I wanna do it all.

tbt

I remember sophomore year. Lol.

I remember pushing that kid to the ground on the playground, then crying when he said he was going to tell my teacher. He never told my teacher.

I remember being so comfortable with everything, it didn't matter what was coming our way. We were there, we were strong, we were invincible.

I remember the highlight of my "theater career". I know it was only a year ago, but no one will ever understand how much it meant to me. I don't like to talk about it.
You: Why?! It was so good!
Me: I just feel cocky talking about it. And there was so much hype about it, it's just annoying sometimes. I mean, we weren't that great.
The truth: I went into such a dark place when it was all over. I can't explain it, but I guess it was just because I was a part of something bigger than myself. I miss it so much.

I remember when he told me that our show "saved his life". I know he was mostly joking with me, but I don't think I've ever received a more powerful compliment.

I remember the ninth grade when we all told Dom we were going to marry him.

I remember when I was intimidated by my best friend. You'd never know it now because we're stuck at the hip, but Sarah and I hated each other.

Lol, still remembering sophomore year.

I remember when I craved going to seminary, and I also remember when I dropped it.

I remember crying after asking him to preference, and being so nervous our entire date I couldn't even function right. Then I remember him saying he had a good night the next day, and a couple weeks after that. I remember being so happy. Then I remembered that he'd also lie to spare my feelings.

I remember making pizza with fresh grown basil, and for some reason it was the yummiest thing.

I remember our Miranda vlogs. Dear heavens, I don't know whether to be embarrassed by those, or laugh out loud at the thought.

Everything in this post feels like it was just yesterday. It's so weird to think that all they are are memories.

I remember Disneyland. Gracious gracious gracious. I could write a book on how I'd do that trip differently

I remember when I thought my cat died and crying for hours, then hearing her meow outside.

I remember the endless webcam pictures. And I also remember the terrible editing I did with the cheesy quotes.

I remember when my first niece was born. I texted my brother "Did you hear Jessica had her baby?" he texted back with "Who is this?"

I remember that I used to type "el oh el" instead of "lol"

I remember American Pie and Saturday chores. I remember asking him if he'd play it one more time for me, and I remember the feeling I got when he said he forgot how.

I remember the wedding. I remember the divorce. I remember the car in the garage and the warnings of her danger. I was too young to understand.

And if you're still reading this, let me go on:
I remember when he had acne.
I remember the night in the garden, when I was genuinely afraid for her.
I remember my mom buying me a soft pretzel to make up for the trauma.
I remember Uncle Kenny.
I remember picking out my outfit so I would look cute for my sleepover with my favorite cousin.
I remember when my favorite cousin moved.
I remember when I began being intimidated by my cousin.
I remember the beach. I remember the waves. I remember the shells.
I remember my mood ring.
I remember hearing that she was pregnant. I remember not understanding why everyone was sad.
I remember popsicles and competitions.
I remember when all I wanted was a Facebook account.
I remember "The Zachs"
I don't remember my baptism.
I don't remember my first cat, Crystal.
I don't remember my cousin Alicia.
I think I remember Grandpa Dodge. I say I do, because my world would break admitting I don't.

This is the only way I can think of ending this post...

Inspired by Alec Hardison's Highschool

High school is stupid because it's where a ton of insecure teenagers make fun of other insecure teenagers. Then the second group of insecure teenagers gets all butt hurt, but it won't stop them laughing about the insecure teenagers in the grade younger than them.

High school is stupid because I stayed in the theater department for three years. Sorry, that probably doesn't apply to you, but it was a huge reason I had a negative high school school experience. (This is not being said to hate on theater people. You do your thing, kids. It's just not my thing.)

High school is stupid because the teachers are way more concerned about giving you homework and a big test than you actually teaching you.

High school is stupid because I've stressed out more about my grades than I ever have about actually learning the material.

High school is stupid because everyone judges everyone. Don't lie, you've judged someone in your high school experience. And, I know you won't have to lie for this one, someone judged you.

High school is stupid because cliques. I KNOW THEY'RE CLICHE, BUT GUESS WHAT. THEY ACTUALLY EXIST.

High school is stupid because you are judged by the type of music you like.

High school is stupid because everyone walks around like they own the place.

High school is stupid because unless you're deemed worthy or something (I don't actually know how it works) certain people won't give you the time of day.

High school is stupid because I try to start a conversation with someone, but I am automatically judged because I was in the drama department.

High school is stupid because instead of looking for the best in everyone, you automatically look for the worst.

High school is stupid because if you talk too loud, you're obnoxious, and if you don't talk enough, you're snooty.

High school is stupid because if you tell the truth you're a bitch.

High school is stupid because it is so hard not to care about everyone else. Admit it. you tell yourself and everyone else "I don't even care what they think of me." but there is part of you that does. It's way deep down, but it's there. And that just sucks.

So, I know that I graduate in three weeks, so none of this matters, but let me say it anyway.

hi.

I'm Baylee.

You guys hear my name, and I'm willing to bet that you think one of these things

• theater kid
• really loud
• kinda awkward
• badass haircut (okay, you probably don't think that, but I'm still trying to get used to it, so I have to tell myself this.)

That is what high school labeled me as. Now, here's what I think of those.

• I'm probably not going to theater ever again. It was a fun hobby, but doing it in high school kinda ruined it for me. If I do do something in drama, I'm hoping to direct. Have you ever read a book and it's like the author is painting a picture in your mind? Yeah, that happens to me all the time, except I totally imagine how I would make it into a movie or a play. I think it'd be really fun to direct. Anyway, I'm technically no longer a theater kid, so there's that label down the drain.
• Yeah, I can totally be really loud. Most the time it's because I'm feeling pretty insecure so I'll fake confidence with being loud. Sorry, I know it's super annoying most times. However, when I'm really comfortable in a situation, I feel like I'm typically quiet, or at least talking in normal tones. I do have a really loud laugh though. It's something like a walrus getting run over by a tractor while the person driving the tractor is snoring.
• Okay, yeah, I'm pretty awkward. I just have a really hard time talking to people that intimidate me, or people I don't know. But once I get to know you I'm only awkward sometimes, but it's kinda just my character.

I don't really know why I'm posting this. I don't think many of you care about who I really am, slash some of you knew me in junior high so you don't want to know who I really am (I've changed a lot since junior high. I wouldn't talk to me now if I knew me in junior high either) but hey, maybe I'm just attempting to make these last three weeks of high school a little less stupid. I don't know why talking about what I think are my biggest labels will do this, but hey...it felt nice.

I KNOW LOVE POEMS ARE THE WORST.

Sometimes life can be really hard.

But somehow,

sitting with you,

being able to feel the cold cement on the back of my thighs...

it made it all worth it.

Your words could do something to me

that a good relationship with my mother couldn't even attempt.

You instilled a light of hope

in what felt like a useless shell.

I miss you so much.

It's awkward to miss something that was never yours.

I can't believe you did this to me.

I can't believe I'm blaming myself.

I have never been more rich

than when you looked at me,

that night on my porch.

"You're beautiful, you know that, right?

I was just thinking about how I've never told you that.

You're so extremely beautiful,

inside and out."

The cliches became rocks to steady me through the next couple weeks.

I want to scream.

I want to scream until I can convince myself

all the wrongs were right,

and it was never worth it anyway.

I have never wanted to shut down more

than in his car when he asked me

"What were you guys, even?

Like, did you date?

I don't even know what went on with you guys."

I crudely brushed him off

because I couldn't face the truth.

What he was thinking was probably a lot better than what happened.

Maybe I'm being dramatic.

Maybe they're getting tired of all the love poems I've written.

I know love poems are stupid.

I know they're cliche,

and the words are like a gasless cig lighter.

I know this poem has no affect on anyone but myself.

I'm so mad at me right now.

We could talk for hours.
We did talk for hours.
And nothing felt more cold than when our conversation ran dry.
I realized I didn't know what to say.
You didn't fill in the blanks.
I wanted to throw up just to fill the silence.

I don't know why I do this to myself.

I have never felt more comfortable

than the nights there was us,

and I have never felt more helpless

than the nights I remember us.

(wrote this for you, then stumbled upon this. Alis is just better at the words, and I couldn't be more grateful.)