I have read and agree to all the terms and conditions.

I think what happened was this:

She took it too seriously,

and he was already with them.

Now, understand that half of them don't have the courage,

and I've still yet to figure out the other half,

though, I believe they shut others' emotions out

so that they won't have to come to terms with their own.

He did things to her that he would never let her do to him

because that's the kind of person he is,

and I don't know if you describe that as selfish,

rude,

or oblivious.

The first half kept driving,

because that kind of rush gives them a sense of security.

The lies of the past crumple under their tires

and while the sound is sweet to Karma,

it brings tears to their eyes.

The second half got offended,

because they have always been there,

and "This is a mess.

It's fine.

I'm over it."

but they don't really understand

all the terms and conditions of

"being there".

They just pressed the box

so that the little check mark came up

because that's what everyone does,

because that's what our society is made out of.

I don't think you can get mad at them for that,

even if it did set a crack in your heart.

She got frustrated.

Her old wounds bled,

and she wondered if they would ever stop.

But she doesn't even know that the first half all slit their wrists.

I guess you could say that their cuts bleed by choice,

but I remember the haze in their eyes

that allows them to mistake blood for coffee:

the only thing that'll keep them alive and awake.

He sits at his counter,

reading the paper and mumbling the facts

because "the facts" are what keep him strong,

but he's never stopped to ask if "the facts"
are really just tradition.

Believe me, they have already asked that question,

but may be too greedy to share the answer.

Now, I wonder if they do this all intentionally,

or if their daydreams are just much more relevant

than reality.

If I didn't answer my phone for the next week,

if I never sent out another text,

if my snapchats remained unopened,

which one of them would begin to wonder?

In my mind,

it all seems justified,

however, my body can't help but point out

that this is all so juvenile.

I think my heart would be a lot of help

if it hadn't shut down long ago,

leaving my soul to hang out the clothes to dry.

12:48 pm

Truth is, I'm feeling really inadequate. If I wasn't prepared for this, then what were the last 18 years really for?

I graduated high school about a month ago, but I'm still trying to figure out where I "fit in". This time I'm not dealing with bad hair boys and false senses of security.

I know "no one said it was easy," and I agree with that. But they didn't say it'd be like this either. They didn't tell us anything. They just threw us off the plane, and how we have to figure out how to work the parachute.

#angst

#thisisnolongerafeeling

#itsapersonification

tuesday thinkings

I think we judge the act too harshly,
without thinking of the motives.

black and blue

I'm beginning to understand that,
instead of muscle and bone,
our bodies are made up of
scars and bruises
and sometimes,
if we've been really hurt,
they rise up to the surface
Maybe that's why they call it
"having a tough skin".

I think this could also be
a discovery;
meaning our worst injuries
can't always bee seen.

The real reason pink is one of my favorite colors.

Dear Addilyn-

You've always been the red apple in my life, a symbol of innocence. It's an understatement to say that I felt like I was suffocating when I realized that you turned six in March.

Six years old.

Because, truth is, I remember when I was six.

I remember starting the first grade. I remember playing in the fountains. I remember Harry Potter and ballet slippers. I remember 8 o'clock bedtimes and plain t shirts. I remember it all.

And I see so much of me in you, and I should be swelling with pride at that. I should be proud of the the influence I might have had on you. The fact that you don't smile with your teeth...I did that, too. The fact that you think your sass runs the world...me to a tee. And even though your eyes are brown and mine are green, you even kind of look like me.

Truth is, my baby Addi, I'm so worried for you.

You have no idea what this world has in store for you. You can't understand the damage you can do to yourself. You don't know the trials that will hit you like the sea, thinking you're just a measly rock it can erode away. You just don't get it. And I don't want you to. I want to hold you so close, you can't even imagine not loving yourself. I want to lock you away in the cupboard with endless dolls and Disney movies, so the deepest hurt you know is those displayed through cartoons. I want to find you at 14, still playing with your American Girl Dolls and tea sets, because you don't realize the world is telling you no. I want you to still be happy with seventh place at your swim meet, purely because the ribbon is pink. I don't want you to understand that there were eight people in your race, and you finished seventh. I just want to see the way your eyes light up when the gloss of the pink catches the sun, and the look on your face when you realize the ribbon matches your room. I still want pink to be your favorite color.

Addi, part of me feels like I failed because I can't give this to you.

I know, I know, it's silly. Not even the biggest, baddest Mama Bear can protect her cubs from the real world. That's why I hate this "growing up" thing so much. Addi, I'm so so sorry.

Baby girl, there are so many things I wish I could teach you. I wish I could pick apart my brain, just to find the important parts, and give them to you. I wish I could make you realize that eventually high school will end. I wish I could teach you that your eyes are too big to be hardened by mascara. I want to make you see that eating is so much more worth it than being America's Next Top Model. I mean, have you ever had a burrito from Beto's before? Addi, I want you to know that life will get darker, and black will take on a new meaning for you, but there will always, always be a little pink. Chase after the pink. I wish I was a better example of that.

I want you to know that you're worth so much more than you can imagine, even if you're imagining it on your good days. The worth of your spirit does not lessen with the bad decisions you make, but I want you to understand that your choices have consequences that affect so many more people than just you. But don't let that scare you. If you were me, you'd let that scare you. You'd shut down, so you could stop making decisions that include other people. And when you realized that shutting down was just another one of those decisions, you'd shut down more, and more, until you couldn't tell your own soul apart from a stone.

Please don't forget who you are.

I know it sounds cliche and oh-so-very-Mormon, but I mean it. YOU are Addilyn Kay, and YOU are the granddaughter of Greg and Susan, and YOU are the big sister to Mabel and Aidan, and YOU are more than you'll ever know. Please, please, just try to fathom it.

Please know that when your best friend is mean to you, you have so much to be happy about. Please realize that when you're mom is yelling at you, she still loves you more than even she understands. Please remember that when you're questioning God, and everything else in this world, and you really don't think there's anymore pink, you still have so much more life to live. I'm not going to tell you that happiness is a choice, Addi. I've heard that too much. So much, that it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong when I'm not happy. It makes me feel even worse when I just can't break my face into a smile, like I'm broken down with no repair shop in sight. "There must be something wrong with me, I'm incapable of making decisions," I concluded. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be mad. It's okay to be frustrated and scared and angry and depressed and all those other things. It's all okay, just don't let it run your life. Don't let it pull you away from reality. Keep a steady head. Remember everyone who will listen to you. Remember those who will pull you back up every time. Remember me.

And maybe I shouldn't be too worried about you turning out like me. I mean, you already know how to swim, that's way farther than I got. I have so much faith in you Addilyn Kay.

I cried when you called Grandma tonight, saying that you finally got second place. You got a red ribbon. You had your fastest freestyle time. I cried because we both know red isn't half as pretty as pink.

Love,
Aunt Baylee

9:24 pm

for only being 6 letters,
regret fills me like an ocean,
and it meets the beautiful skyline
of hopelessness.

FACTS, YO.

• I've always hated the way I draw flowers
• My interest lately has been in numerology (look it up) and I literally spent all of Sunday night with Sarah calculating our friend's numbers. (I'm a 6.)
• Summer has always been exciting, because it's a break. But this time it's a beginning, and I can't see the end
• ^the above scares the hell out of me
• Sia's song Chandelier is my anthem currently and I've never had alcohol
• I'm really glad I'm no one's room mate so no one will judge me by my Facebook account
• YEAH I STILL REALLY REALLY REALLY LOVE HARRY POTTER
• I don't know why I'm posting this
• Do we ever really know why we post the things we post?
• I hung out with Sarah and Collin on Monday night and we all laughed about our "high school days" and it was all kinda a joke, but then it was kinda weird
• I figure the more tan I am, the less I have to shave my legs
• ^the above is a PROVEN FACT like I'm a golden beauty right now, and you can't even see my stubble on my legs
• I only cried about him on Saturday
• ^(so Saturday wasn't the first time I cried about him, but it was the first since he left)
• My dinner has consisted of granola bars and cheese and a root beer float
• I'm allergic to cats
• I have a cat
• Her name is Tiger
• Pinterest mostly just makes me uncomfortable
• My dad follows me on twitter OKAY DADS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO HAVE TWITTERS
• I had to Google what ocean separates North America from Europe
• The thing is, I don't feel any different now that I'm graduated

I checked the mail everyday this week.

The shift button on my right side is stuck down from hitting it too hard, which is unfortunate, because now I don't get the satisfaction of smacking the shift key when I want to capitalize something, and I take pride in how fast I can type.

I know there's one of the left side too, but it's not the same.

I never went to EFY, and I'm scared to tell you that I got another piercing in my right ear, but I wonder if it was hard for you to write "I love you," at the end of your letter. I wonder if you thought about the effects, or what your mother would think. I wonder how often you think about your mother, and who occupies your mind the most. Let me rephrase that: I wonder if it's her curly hair, or the way she looks when she smiles that occupies your mind the most.

I'm starting to understand that fairy tales were never more than a story meant to teach us, and that your gifts were a reflection of your ego, not your affection. If this is love, they shouldn't call it "falling" because it feels like drowning, and I never learned to swim. I mean, my mom sent me to swimming lessons, but I always sunk to the bottom, which is probably why loving you was so easy.

Sometimes it's still hard to write the words that make up my heart, and I always figured it was because I locked it away when comments like "fat" and "annoying" no longer held any meaning, but now I understand it's because you packed it up with your shot glasses.

If you say your prayers tonight, slip one in for me. Not because I say words that are poison to your soul, or because I only go to church for farewells. Say it because my "spirituality" is falling under from this pool of your blood that leads right to your heartstrings.

9:49

"What goes up, must come down." applies to everything.
The sun,
gravity,
and emotions.

Cheers

There's something about growing up that takes you away from your friends
and plots you back with your family.
It's as if to say
"You started here,
and you're going to end here."
Today is the time where friends wave goodbye with promises of tomorrow
while you sit in your living room talking music with your big brother.
Today is the day where true colors are unfurled,
and your good friends stay good friends
and your best friend becomes family
and you don't have a problem with it.

Cheers to the girl who became my third sister,
may she forever understand the impact she's had on me
and the continual outstretched hand the leads to my home.
Cheers to the baby who mended a relationship
with a brother who I thought I'd lost.
Cheers to the music that we danced to in the living room,
and cheers to the fact it made me remember past loves
without a longing to hold him again.
Cheers to big brothers.
Cheers nieces and nephews and the cupcakes we ate.
Cheers to my sister who thinks she's my mom,
and my sister who's about as mature as I am
in all the good ways.
Cheers to the newlyweds,
and to the newly divorced.
Cheers to the moments that would never get better,
and cheers to the day they did.
Cheers.

"My family's not rich by any means, but I feel we won the lottery..."

snails, the format.

I Shouldn't Be on Twitter at 12:35 AM After a Long Day...

this is the stupidest tweet:

you can't live in that era because THIS IS A MOVIE that was made in the LATE 70s SET in the 1950s about a girl who lowers her standards and sexualizes herself for a boy, another girl who conveniently has a miscarriage so she can get back with her boyfriend who broke up with her after impregnating her, and a group of boys who personify the "boys will be boys" mentality, topping it all off with song and dance. so no, you can't live in this era BECAUSE IT WASN'T REAL LIFE. this "era" paid people to design costumes and take this picture and made approx. $395,000,000 after all was said and done. if you want to live in a different era, please PLEASE get a picture that is actually from that time period, not from a movie that spent hours trying to get this shot to be perfect so hollywood could dominate our view of the past since we didn't actually live it. thx so much.

now that i've said all that i think you'll be surprised to know that grease is actually one of my favorite movies and i sing hopelessly devoted to you in the shower. i hope that this post didn't scare you, and i also hope that if you're reading my blog for the first time for #summerblogs, you'll forget this post is a thing and read some of my other posts because sometimes i try to write poetry, other times i just rant and think it's a really good idea to post it on the internet (like this) so, um...enjoy?

11:24

My heart has a hiccup, and I can't help thinking I don't belong.

My bones are hollow, and my mind is full, and I can't help thinking I don't belong.

I know the path of self-consciousness leads to a fork in the road, and I never know which way to take...

But I do know I don't belong

You ask me why I use loud words to fake my confidence and my answer is simple:

"Because in the back of the cafe, I can feel my own blood glaring at me."

Then I wonder if I was ever comfortable in the first place.

You smile and tell me "There's always a bright future to change,"

and I finally understand what regret means.

Disorder

I wrote this a long time ago and it just feels very relevant right now so yeah....

Hi, I'm Baylee, and I'm a disorder.

I looked it up, and the literal definition of disorder is "a state of confusion"

so let me say it again.

Hi, I'm Baylee, and I'm a disorder.

I'm a disorder because I want you to listen,

but I won't speak loud enough for you to hear me.

I'm a disorder because I'm 17 years old,

and I think I might be in love,

and furthermore, I won't tell the boy I "love" the "truth"

because he's going on a mission for a church,

and I just don't know what I believe anymore.

I'm a disorder because I'm graduating in a month,

and I still don't know what if I'm going to college,

let alone where.

I'm a disorder because I have a secret dream to be a gynecologist-

like, what the hell is a gynecologist?

JK, I swear I know what a gynecologist is.

I recently read Divergent,

and call me a disorder,

because I liked the movie better than the book,

and I know it's a sin to admit,

but it's the truth.

Let me tell you something.

If you have ever sat in your car,

and you don't know whether to turn right, or left

"No wait-just go straight!

Nevermind, turn around,

what's the point anyway?"

Then you might be a disorder.

If you've ever run your fingers through your hair

and hit a million thoughts on the way out

congratulations.

You're probably a disorder.

If your tears evaporate from the heat of your cheeks,

and your fingers cramp up so the blood runs cold...

If you've ever watched someone walk away

when all you've wanted to do was hold on,

hold on so tight that they learn to love themselves...

And if you have ever wanted to blow your brain apart

just to examine the contents

so maybe,

just maybe,

you could make sense of your life...

And if you can't tell right from wrong

and black from blue

and green

and purple

and brown orange pink chartruese

then welcome to the club,

you are a disorder.

And if you're a disorder,

and I'm a disorder,

that makes us disorder^2

which technically means an orderly disorder-

and I think they cancel each other out,

but I wouldn't know

because I had to bribe my teacher so I could pass Algebra 2

and the only thing I really learned was that overweight math teachers LOVE solving for x

if x is a homemade pumpkin pie...

and if you don't know what I'm saying,

that's okay,

neither do I,

so let me just close my eyes and breathe...

Hi, I'm Baylee, and I'm a disorder.