The real reason pink is one of my favorite colors.

Dear Addilyn-

You've always been the red apple in my life, a symbol of innocence. It's an understatement to say that I felt like I was suffocating when I realized that you turned six in March.

Six years old.

Because, truth is, I remember when I was six.

I remember starting the first grade. I remember playing in the fountains. I remember Harry Potter and ballet slippers. I remember 8 o'clock bedtimes and plain t shirts. I remember it all.

And I see so much of me in you, and I should be swelling with pride at that. I should be proud of the the influence I might have had on you. The fact that you don't smile with your teeth...I did that, too. The fact that you think your sass runs the world...me to a tee. And even though your eyes are brown and mine are green, you even kind of look like me.

Truth is, my baby Addi, I'm so worried for you.

You have no idea what this world has in store for you. You can't understand the damage you can do to yourself. You don't know the trials that will hit you like the sea, thinking you're just a measly rock it can erode away. You just don't get it. And I don't want you to. I want to hold you so close, you can't even imagine not loving yourself. I want to lock you away in the cupboard with endless dolls and Disney movies, so the deepest hurt you know is those displayed through cartoons. I want to find you at 14, still playing with your American Girl Dolls and tea sets, because you don't realize the world is telling you no. I want you to still be happy with seventh place at your swim meet, purely because the ribbon is pink. I don't want you to understand that there were eight people in your race, and you finished seventh. I just want to see the way your eyes light up when the gloss of the pink catches the sun, and the look on your face when you realize the ribbon matches your room. I still want pink to be your favorite color.

Addi, part of me feels like I failed because I can't give this to you.

I know, I know, it's silly. Not even the biggest, baddest Mama Bear can protect her cubs from the real world. That's why I hate this "growing up" thing so much. Addi, I'm so so sorry.

Baby girl, there are so many things I wish I could teach you. I wish I could pick apart my brain, just to find the important parts, and give them to you. I wish I could make you realize that eventually high school will end. I wish I could teach you that your eyes are too big to be hardened by mascara. I want to make you see that eating is so much more worth it than being America's Next Top Model. I mean, have you ever had a burrito from Beto's before? Addi, I want you to know that life will get darker, and black will take on a new meaning for you, but there will always, always be a little pink. Chase after the pink. I wish I was a better example of that.

I want you to know that you're worth so much more than you can imagine, even if you're imagining it on your good days. The worth of your spirit does not lessen with the bad decisions you make, but I want you to understand that your choices have consequences that affect so many more people than just you. But don't let that scare you. If you were me, you'd let that scare you. You'd shut down, so you could stop making decisions that include other people. And when you realized that shutting down was just another one of those decisions, you'd shut down more, and more, until you couldn't tell your own soul apart from a stone.

Please don't forget who you are.

I know it sounds cliche and oh-so-very-Mormon, but I mean it. YOU are Addilyn Kay, and YOU are the granddaughter of Greg and Susan, and YOU are the big sister to Mabel and Aidan, and YOU are more than you'll ever know. Please, please, just try to fathom it.

Please know that when your best friend is mean to you, you have so much to be happy about. Please realize that when you're mom is yelling at you, she still loves you more than even she understands. Please remember that when you're questioning God, and everything else in this world, and you really don't think there's anymore pink, you still have so much more life to live. I'm not going to tell you that happiness is a choice, Addi. I've heard that too much. So much, that it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong when I'm not happy. It makes me feel even worse when I just can't break my face into a smile, like I'm broken down with no repair shop in sight. "There must be something wrong with me, I'm incapable of making decisions," I concluded. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be mad. It's okay to be frustrated and scared and angry and depressed and all those other things. It's all okay, just don't let it run your life. Don't let it pull you away from reality. Keep a steady head. Remember everyone who will listen to you. Remember those who will pull you back up every time. Remember me.

And maybe I shouldn't be too worried about you turning out like me. I mean, you already know how to swim, that's way farther than I got. I have so much faith in you Addilyn Kay.

I cried when you called Grandma tonight, saying that you finally got second place. You got a red ribbon. You had your fastest freestyle time. I cried because we both know red isn't half as pretty as pink.

Love,
Aunt Baylee