Disorder

I wrote this a long time ago and it just feels very relevant right now so yeah....

Hi, I'm Baylee, and I'm a disorder.

I looked it up, and the literal definition of disorder is "a state of confusion"

so let me say it again.

Hi, I'm Baylee, and I'm a disorder.

I'm a disorder because I want you to listen,

but I won't speak loud enough for you to hear me.

I'm a disorder because I'm 17 years old,

and I think I might be in love,

and furthermore, I won't tell the boy I "love" the "truth"

because he's going on a mission for a church,

and I just don't know what I believe anymore.

I'm a disorder because I'm graduating in a month,

and I still don't know what if I'm going to college,

let alone where.

I'm a disorder because I have a secret dream to be a gynecologist-

like, what the hell is a gynecologist?

JK, I swear I know what a gynecologist is.

I recently read Divergent,

and call me a disorder,

because I liked the movie better than the book,

and I know it's a sin to admit,

but it's the truth.

Let me tell you something.

If you have ever sat in your car,

and you don't know whether to turn right, or left

"No wait-just go straight!

Nevermind, turn around,

what's the point anyway?"

Then you might be a disorder.

If you've ever run your fingers through your hair

and hit a million thoughts on the way out

congratulations.

You're probably a disorder.

If your tears evaporate from the heat of your cheeks,

and your fingers cramp up so the blood runs cold...

If you've ever watched someone walk away

when all you've wanted to do was hold on,

hold on so tight that they learn to love themselves...

And if you have ever wanted to blow your brain apart

just to examine the contents

so maybe,

just maybe,

you could make sense of your life...

And if you can't tell right from wrong

and black from blue

and green

and purple

and brown orange pink chartruese

then welcome to the club,

you are a disorder.

And if you're a disorder,

and I'm a disorder,

that makes us disorder^2

which technically means an orderly disorder-

and I think they cancel each other out,

but I wouldn't know

because I had to bribe my teacher so I could pass Algebra 2

and the only thing I really learned was that overweight math teachers LOVE solving for x

if x is a homemade pumpkin pie...

and if you don't know what I'm saying,

that's okay,

neither do I,

so let me just close my eyes and breathe...

Hi, I'm Baylee, and I'm a disorder.