Reaching Out, Curling In

Most days I just want to cuddle on a couch and read my books. With the rain splattering across the windows, it's so much easier to be in another's world than my own.

But it's not even the rain's fault, I love the rain. I love the smell and the sound and how one drop can pierce right down to your very soul. I love that it can make you feel things you didn't even realize existed. No, it's not the rain's fault.

It's hard to feel emotion when what you're feeling is so foul, you can't stand it anymore. I've heard so many times "happiness is a choice," and "you can choose how this day goes." No. I can't. Don't tell me I can, you don't know. I don't want to feel any emotion anymore. I want it gone.

People who say they'd rather feel pain than nothing at all must not know what they're talking about.

I know, I'm being depressing right now. You don't want to hear it? Fine. Leave. You wouldn't be the first. I'm quite accustomed to things changing now.

But, that's the funny thing about change, you can never actually get accustomed to it.

I think the blood in my fingers has turned cold from the amount of times I've reached out.

I think the bones in my legs are broken from the amount of times I've run away.

My eyes itch, I think I've dried up my pool of tears.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Shut up.

SHUT UP.

Don't you dare act like you care.

Don't you dare act like you know me.

Just, shut up.

My head hurts from the amount of times I've thought about this.

My mouth is dry from talking about it too much.

You know, I honestly thought talking about it would make it stop.

(and you know...you have torn my heart into too many pieces to count, so don't you ever accuse me of morbidly writing again,

because it's really just your actions coming out in words.

they say actions speak louder than words,

it's true.

i could never describe what this has done to me.)